MY SON HAS TEMPER TANTRUMS

I can’t make my two year old son understand that I can’t buy him all the toys and sweets he wants, and that he cannot take all the toys from other children while visiting their homes. He always has frightful tantrums, which make me very embarrassed. 

I would like to know how to calm and correct his tantrums by doing it my own way. Sometimes I explain that those toys don’t belong to him, and that I will buy him one at the end of the month or on his birthday. Other times I try to distract him by changing the subject, telling a story or singing to him, but it does not turn out well; he cries and cries rage, he may even fall to the floor and start to choke. 

At that time I was very distressed and ended up pleasing him. My husband gets upset and tells me that it’s my fault, that I spoil him. Of course I would love to avoid his tantrums, but if I do not know how to handle them, what should I do? Am I going to let him choke?

WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT CHILD TANTRUMS

It is understandable that you feel fear when it seems like your child is chocking by crying in such rage.  But trying to calm him down and give him what he wants at that moment only aggravates the problem. 

It is important for you to be clear and understand that your son, at his young age, does not understand property rights or good manners in society. However, there are two things he is perfectly lucid about: the first one is that he wants that object, whether toy or candy; the second is that crying, screaming, and throwing himself to the floor are infallible strategies to achieve it. He does not need to give it much thought, he knows it from experience and it is enough. 

When he was a baby, the only means he had to claim his needs was to cry. You rightly, attended to these needs. However, he must already understand that in this life he will not be able to achieve everything he wants, and much less by crying. He must be able to accept limits and rules of conduct: as well as learning to tolerate frustration. These are fundamental elements for a healthy psychological balance. 

HOW TO DEAL WITH CHILDHOOD TANTRUMS

For your child to be a better adult, it is essential that you exercise a positive authority and that you discipline him with love, setting limits and rules. A technique to reduce or diminish inappropriate behavior is simply to ignore them, withdraw their attention. Therefore, you have to face his temper tantrums by showing, bluntly, that crying is not the way to get what he wants.

You will not achieve this with long lectures that will bore him to death, but by way of facts. It is important: 

a) To explain to him, only once, in a short, clear and firm way that you cannot give him everything he asks for, 

b) Let him throw himself on the floor and turn purple if he wants. In no case should you pay any attention.  (Sundel and Stone Sundel, 1981). 

For your peace of mind you can submit him to a neurological evaluation. If he is fine, there will not be a problem.

In my book WHAT DO I DO NOW? NO ONE TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE A MOM!  You will find this and other 26 common problems in children from birth to 12 years. In relation to this specific issue of children’s tantrums you can check there What do I do if my child has temper tantrums? How do I take away the pacifier? and Extinguishing behaviors.

You can also consult, in this same Blog, related topics, as well as visit Facebook Urquia Larralde (psykia); Instagram @psykia20 and Twitter @psykia20.  I appreciate any comments, questions, suggestions, or constructive criticism that you want to make through psykia20@gmail.com or by WhatsApp: +58 414 929 1676. They are welcome and I will gladly answer them.

BIBLIOGRAPHIC REFERENCES:

Sundel and Stone Sundel (1981): Modificación de Conducta Humana, Publisher Limusa, México.