EXTINGUISHING BEHAVIORS
On another occasion we talked about the need to set limits for children (Establishing rules and limits). Some parents seem to believe that in order to avoid acting in an authoritarian manner, everything must be tolerated. It seems that they believe that giving love and allowing freedom means that you can’t set limits for kids.
However, a behavior that harms others, or the child himself, cannot be accepted. After agreeing with him or informing him that he will not be allowed certain conduct, if he repeats it, there are two appropriate procedures to make him comply with that precept: educational punishment and behavior extinction.
Educational punishment, as we have said on many occasions, has nothing to do with physical or psychological abuse, nor with an emotional reactions of parents. It must have an adverse impact for the child who committed the fault, and must be administered consistently (always), in a timely manner and must be appropriate to the age of the child and the size of the error. For more details see in this same Blog To punish children.
A second method of setting limits for children consists of the behavior extinction procedure.
WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT THE EXTINCTION PROCEDURE
The first thing to know is that any behavior that has been effective in obtaining pleasurable or reinforcing stimuli, will tend to be repeated. That is, if behaving in a certain way we achieve something that we like, the natural thing is to continue to behave like this.
However, if that behavior leads to harmful results, you have to do something so that it does not happen again; the way to do it is to deny the pleasant stimulus that was previously being obtained.
In the book: WHAT DO I DO NOW? NO ONE TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE A MOM! I explain how this procedure had to be applied to get Gustavo, a year and a half, to leave the pacifier in How do I take away the pacifier?, and to Tomás, of two, in order to overcome his tantrums in What do I do if my child has temper tantrums? and for Graciela, also of age two, to sleep alone in her room, in What should I do if my child doesn’t want to sleep alone?
It is natural for a baby to like the pacifier, how many times did it not calm his anxiety!, but there comes a time when he must leave it. In the same way, children cry when they feel some discomfort, that is their way of asking for the attention they need, but later on they must understand that they can not get everything they want, less of all by crying. In these cases we must stop giving them what until then was justified.
HOW TO APPLY THE EXTINCTION PROCEDURE
Extinction consists in stopping to provide what was previously given in response to a certain behavior. In this case it is about not pleasing the child in a crying attack. The child must be told this in a positive manner, only once and then act accordingly, consistently, without giving in to tantrums, without paying attention to, or even looking at the child, while the tantrum lasts. After this happens, you have to resume a natural behavior with the child, without scolding, or pampering. All those who care for the child have to act in the same way (Sundel and Stone Sundel, 1981).
It may seem very hard, but it only takes a few minutes and if you are consistent, you will soon have reversed that behavior. Much more suffering is caused when acting erratically, because the child’s negative behavior of insisting on getting what he wants through tantrums, will last much longer.
For more details about how to extinguish, or supress, behaviors, you can review the book and the chapters cited above. You can also consult in this same Blog My son has temper tantrums and Educate; as well as visit Facebook Urquia Larralde (psykia), Twitter @psykia20 and Instagram @psykia20
I appreciate any observations, questions, suggestions or criticisms you want to address to me through psykia20@gmail.com. You will be welcome and I will gladly reply to your inputs.
BIBLIOGRAPHIC REFERENCE:
Sundel M. and Stone Sundel, S. (1981): Modification of Human Behavior, Publisher Limusa, Mexico.
