DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE

Working on some audios for radio, I used the following slogan: “Children need discipline with love”. It was interesting and even funny to see people’s reactions, a lady questioned the slogan and told me if I wanted to discipline children like puppies.

Somebody else, instead, seemed to agree with the discipline part of it, but he disagreed with the idea of love. It seems that only a few people understand, not only that both aspects are necessary, but that they are not contradictory. 

WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE

In the traditional view it was thought that human nature was essentially bad and that only through a very severe education could a dignified and well-behaved adult be achieved. The Romantic Movement took a 180-degree turn, placing evil in society and their institutions, and presuming that the greater the freedom we give to the child’s education, the better result would be obtained (A. S. Neill, 1972). 

Let’s add that the evil tended to be located more precisely in the mothers who were seen as castrators, overprotective, indolent or any chant of epithets for almost everything they did or did not do. These attitudes of the mothers were considered to be the cause of the pathology of the unfortunate children. 

It is not surprising that, before all this, the parents are very confused, not knowing well what to do, hesitating between taking on the flip-flop and the strap or remaining inactive for fear of being inadequate and excessively repressive; or worse, oscillating between one thing and the other. 

HOW TO IMPART DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE

Modern psychology provides tools that made it possible to discipline with love. The task is complex, but there are some guidelines that we can mention:

1. It is essential to recognize the achievements of children. When they are babies, we do it spontaneously applauding them, kissing them ad showing great joy when they say their first words or learn to throw kisses. As they grow older, we must adapt our forms of expression, but never stop emphasizing and rewarding their achievements and their willingness to collaborate, as well as their strengths and virtues.

2. Next to this, with the same consistency as we do the above, we must punish their bad behavior. Understanding that punishment is not physical or verbal abuse. Punishment is paying a price for damage that was inflicted on another. Price that must be paid so that the misconduct was not repeated. It is required to be proportional to the damage and age of the child and be administered without stridency (Skinner, 1978). 

3. Let us be a pleasant presence, happily sharing with them. Also a model worthy of being followed. Through our example we transmit values, attitudes and patterns of thought and behavior. If we say one thing and do another, the children will only pay attention to the second. There is no use in a thousand harangues, scolding and punishments if we have not been a good model before (Bandura, 1987). 

In my book WHAT DO I DO NOW? NO ONE TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE A MOM!  You will find 27 common problems in children from birth to 12 years. In relation to this matter of disciplining with love, which has its complexities you can review Reinforcing behaviors, Becoming rewards ourselves, Punishing behaviors and Modeling behaviors, thoughts and feelings.

You can also check in this Blog To reinforce children and To punish children; as well as visit Facebook Urquia Larralde (psykia), Instagram @psykia20 and Twitter @psykia20. I appreciate any comments, questions, suggestions, or constructive criticism that you want to make through psykia20@gmail.com or by WhatsApp: +58 414 929 1676. They are welcome and I will gladly answer them.

BIBLIOGRAPHIC REFERENCES:

Bandura, Albert (1987): Pensamiento y Acción. Fundamentos Sociales, Publisher Martínez Roca, Barcelona.

Neill, A. S. (1972): Hijos en Libertad. Publisher Granica, Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Skinner B. F. (1978): El manejo de contingencias en el salón de clases en Bijou and Rayek “Análisis Conductual aplicado a la instrucción”, Trillas, México.