THEY DO NOT OBEY ME
In my book WHAT DO I DO NOW? NO ONE TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE A MOM! we narrate the hypothetical case of Susana, whose the children do not obey her. She relates feeling powerless to properly guide her children.
That mother also pointed out that when her children misbehave, she usually threatens to tell their father when he arrives from work. That is not much help, however, since the father, depending on his mood, sometimes ignores her and on other occasions punishes them so severely, sending them to bed without eating, for example, that she herself ends up taking them food secretly.
WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT BEING OBEYED
We can observe two fundamental errors in Susana’s strategies, in her vain attempt to make her children obey her:
- Terrible modeling: Father and mother are disavowing each other, firstly by the father, who sometimes ignores the mother’s plea, asking him to put order in the children’s behavior. She, in turn, undermines the father’s authority when she is the first to fail to comply with the punishment he imposes (Bandura, 1987).
- Misuse of punishment: for punishment to be effective, it must be applied immediately after the misconduct occurs. Leaving it “for when the father arrives” is neither fair to dad, nor does it have any effect after so much time has elapsed since the child’s bad behavior.
In addition, the mother is making an implicit acknowledgment of her incompetence. This is further aggravated by the father’s erratic behavior (Ulrich, Stachnik, Mabry, 1977).
HOW TO BE OBEYED
For their children to obey them, what Susana and her husband should do is make a serious commitment to both respect and support the disciplinary decisions that either of them makes at any given time.
If one parent thinks that the other’s decision is wrong, they should discuss it later in private, not by disavowing each other in front of the children. If the parents are the first to set an example of disobedience, why wonder that their children do likewise?
As for the punishment, for it to be effective, it must be administered by the person who is in charge at that time, applying it always and immediately after the misconduct occurs.
It is convenient to clarify that educational punishment is only done to suppress bad behavior, not to discharge our bad mood, nor to retaliate with disqualifications, insults and threats, nor with physical punishment.
The idea is that those who have misbehaved and harmed others pay a price proportional to their age and the damage caused. To demand compliance, it is not even necessary to raise one’s voice.
More details about this topic can be found at: WHAT DO I DO NOW? NO ONE TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE A MOM!, and specially in the topics: What can I do if my children won’t obey me? Modeling behaviors, thoughts and feelings and Punishing behaviors; as well as by visiting Facebook Urquia Larralde (psykia), Twitter psykia20 and Instagram psykia20
I appreciate any observations, questions, suggestions or criticisms you want to make through psykia20@gmail.com. You will be welcome and I will gladly reply.
BIBLIOGRAPHIC REFERENCE
Bandura, Albert (1987): Pensamiento y Acción. Fundamentos Sociales, Publisher Martínez Roca, Barcelona, España.
Ulrich, Stachnik, Mabry (1977): Control de la Conducta Humana, Trillas, México.
