GUIDING OUR CHILDREN

Nowadays, the idea that parents should abstain from trying to influence their children has become very trendy. On a CNN interview to Zigala, that wonderful singer who merged flamenco with our Caribbean music, he said that he didn’t like the fact that his son was a fan of reggaetton-style music.

In light of this, the presenter assumed, and in fact stated that the singer would refrain from making any remarks to his son regarding his questionable taste in music.  To my great surprise, Zigala, answered: Of course I tell him what I think! I won’t forbid him to listen to it, but neither will I abstain from telling him what I think.

HOW MUCH SHOULD WE SUPERVISE

The attitude of the CNN presenter seems to prevail currently, and that is that parents should refrain from exercising any influence over their children.  I don’t know who made up such nonsense!

In the first place, unless they don’t live with their children, it’s not possible for parents to stop influencing their children.  Their values, world vision, their habits, beliefs, language, lifestyles, , their expectations, what they like to eat, their way of having fun, indeed, constitute their example, which willingly or not they will transmit to their children. (Bandura, 1987).

We’re surprised when disparities appear, as in the case of Zigala’s son who likes reggaetton, but I’m sure if we take a closer look we’ll find many more resemblances than circumstantial gaps.

In the second place, if parents were able to keep from influencing their children, someone else surely will, and who is that someone else?  Beyond some well-intentioned relative, or close friend, or an exceptional teacher, it will most probably be the advertising industry which only wants them as buyers, and which will have no scruples in using the most perspicacious strategies to lead them where they are most useful, without taking into consideration, naturally, the future of those children.

Children need guidance from their parents, and they will rely on whichever  convictions, values, habits, and beliefs they may have to provide such guidance. Those are their tools, for better or for worse. If we feel they should be better, the only option is to seek improvement; but under no circumstance should we offer anything other than what is best within us.

HOW SHOULD WE SUPERVISE OUR CHILDREN

No-one loves your child more than you do! It’s your responsibility to influence him the best you can!  If you feel you lack information, don’t be scared, we have all felt that.  The concept of education has changed a lot.

Many overly severe ideas which pretended that children had to do having whatever the parents wanted, even making decisions on whom and when they should marry.  But, from that came the madness that the media should oversee them, and that will become our reality if we continue to refuse to exercise our influence in a conscious and systematic fashion.

This is a multifaceted issue; here are some aspects we can try to unravel:

• You will influence your children significantly, whether you like it or not, whether you intend to or not, whether you’re aware of it or not.
• You’ll see in them behaviors, attitudes, opinions, feelings that you might like or not, and that most likely they learned from you.
• If you don’t like what you see in them, ask yourself two things: a) what examples am I setting? b) which behaviors am I rewarding, ignoring or punishing?
• Am I being consistent with the values I say I have and my behavior? Is there consistency between what I demand of them and what I do?

I’m not advocating going back to an authoritative education.  Zigala was right; he gave his son his well-founded opinion; he knows music, yet he won’t forbid his son to listen to the garbage he likes.

Oftentimes the influence we exercise on our children doesn’t have immediate results. Once the parent offers his opinion, he’s planted a seed which will most assuredly flourish.  Forbidding the reggaetton would have been totally counterproductive. 

In my book, WHAT DO I DO NOW? NO ONE TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE A MOM! You’ll find 27 frequent situations in children from the moment they’re born to the age of 12.  Regarding the issue of overseeing the children, you should preferably read Modeling behaviors, thoughts and feelings, although every chapter deals with the necessary guidance your children need.

You can also look up in this same Blog: To reinforce children, To punish children, Discipline with love, Educate and Should parents Influence their children? likewise, you can visit Facebook at Urquia Larralde pyskia, twitter @psykia20 and Instagram @psykia20.

I welcome your comments, questions, suggestions or criticisms at psykia20@gmail.com, or via WhatApp: +58 414 920 1676, and will gladly address them.

BIBLIOGRAPHIC REFERENCE:

Bandura Albert (1987): Pensamiento y Acción. Fundamentos Sociales, Publisher Martínez Roca, Barcelona, España.